Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Toilet Technology

I've been an avid toilet user for the greater part of my life. While many things around me have made great technological advancements over my lifetime, I think the toilet and plumbing have taken a step back.

I'm quite sure when I was growing up, after a toilet was flushed all the water that rushed about would manage to contain itself within the confines of the bowl. I'd say for around 10 years or so this has changed as the water now seems to find it's way onto the seat very often, which induces confusion, fear and requires a wipe down before use. Obviously, I place paper on a public seat, but I'm not about to sit on wet paper, and so a wipe down is still necessary. Luckily, the toilet in my own home is well behaved, though it may just be a result of the archaic plumbing in our building.

I've asked myself if perhaps as a child I was unconcerned with a wet seat, willing to plonk myself anywhere without a care in the world. But alas, this is not the case. My mother ingrained her neurosis in me well. Too well in fact as I came to fear toilets so much that my avoidance of them occasionally led to some pant and bed wetting. I recently posed this idea to my mother, that my neurosis was derived from her, and unlike most unfortunate incidents which parents conveniently forget, she seemed willing to admit this one.

So by looking at my long held fear of toilet germs, I believe there is no way I accepted wet seats as a child, and so it would then stand to reason that the frequent splashing onto the seat is a new occurrence. It may also be argued that as an adult, my scope of toilets has greatly increased, thus exposing me to a variety of bowl and plumbing combinations. But I must return to the toilet at my parents house. I have known it it's whole life and was lucky enough to be the first one to use it (my sister still complains about this to this day) and I can assure you, it splashes excessively now which it did not use to do at all.

I'm dismayed that this frequent unpleasantness has, to date, not only not skirted discussion (to my knowledge,) but also has not been addressed by the plumbing industry. There is nothing worse than going into a poorly lit stall, identifying the presence of liquid and asking oneself "Water or pee?"

Won't someone please think of the children? They deserve to know a time when all seats were completely dry, just as we had the luxury of doing many moons ago.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A mispronunciation I'll never live down

It's rare to remember exactly when you learned a word, but in the case of 'ethnicity', I know it was in 1995 during Year 12 Australia Studies. I hated that class. I only took it because I needed to take one more subject and I thought it would be easy. Perhaps it might have been if I ever paid attention. I can think of only three instances in which I was aware of what was going on. One time was when we watched an ancient documentary which included archival platypus footage (which led to my great appreciation of the platypus), and another was when we watched a ridiculous video entitled "Barbecuearea" showing a role reversal where white people were happily going about their business grilling sausages in a place called "Barbecuearea" when Aborigines arrive and kick them out. I couldn't stop laughing at the frequent use of the word "Barbecuearea". It sounded like "Barbekeweria". A ripping good time!

Aborigines (upon landing and seeing the white people): What do you call this place?
White people: Barbecue Area?
Aborigines: Barbecuearea!

The final thing I remember is only to do with my humiliation. The teacher asked me to read and I was mortified. I've always been good at reading aloud, but I was taken aback because I had no idea what we were supposed to be learning about. Kristen and I spent the entire time writing letters back and forth. So on this day I proceeded to read and I was doing just fine until I hit "ethnicity" which I'd never seen, couldn't figure out and didn't know what it meant in context since I paid no attention. But I had to plug away and out spilled "ethnic city". The teacher interjected "Ethnicity." I think I tried to repeat after her, but still fucked it up. Kristen started to laugh. As soon as we were sent back to work, Kristen exploded with glee at the concept of an "ethnic city" which was just full of ethnic people, kept aside from everyone else. She kept asking me more about it like I was the expert. She was just dying and while I could see the funny side, I was well over it before she was. In fact, I believe she still isn't over it. I think the final icing on the cake was when I was, I think, again being called on by the teacher when Kristen raised her hand in my direction, revealing this in her palm:


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I'm addicted to Brit 'cause I know that she's TOXIC.

In case you missed it...
Britney Spears - Gimme More live VMA 2007

If you missed the MTV Video Music Awards, you've surely at least heard all the fallout from Britney's performance. My friend Marika and I watched it, and boy, it was a million times better than I imagined. Better for my purposes anyway which was to see her crash and burn! I feared she would do a mediocre performance, but enough that the critics would say "Britney's back!". But alas, she was so fucking appalling that to say otherwise may be considered a felony.

You've heard it all already, bad lip syncing, too fat, and lacklustre and awkward dance moves. But what kills me about these assessments is no complaint that there was lip syncing in place in the first place, but rather that she did it poorly. As I've complained many times before, the standards of quality are so reduced that the lip syncing itself is apparently not the problem here. What troubled times we live in! As for her fatness, clearly she's not really fat, but people with her current physique tend not to go out in public in their underwear (even if it's covered in sequins), so if she's going to let the world see her for the garbage woman she is, then yeah, I think it's okay to ridicule her about her weight.

Marika and I went out right after her "performance", but made sure we got back in time to catch the repeat. I thought about it and gleefully texted with Gregg and Steph about it. I was sure the re-run would be disappointing after all I'd built it up to be for two hours, but instead it was better than I remembered. Marika shared my glee, but then felt compelled to apologise for wallowing in this public display of misery. I told her not to be sorry. This trash bag has been hugely successful for nine years and undeservedly so. She's been foisted upon us, had the audacity to call herself an artist, and we've had to put up with her trampling more talented and more deserving people. The only reason her life is a mess is because she's a shallow, spoiled bitch. She'd sooner party than care for her children, so fuck her and the record-company-manufactured horse she rode in on. I think it's perfectly fine to bask in this. For all I've suffered of her all these years, she's finally doing something I can enjoy! Oh, except Toxic. I do like that song, but obviously, it has nothing to do with her. It's that Bollywood soundtrack hook that makes it.

Yes, hide your face Britney. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. A nerd with two left feet who got himself shit-faced drunk to drown his sorrows after being anally raped by a pair donkeys could have done that song better than you.