Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Wanky shit I thought or said

Are you familiar with this phenomenon where you are genuinely ensconced in something, and have a thought, or make a remark that's completely and utterly wanky? It's something you'd say on purpose to invoke hysterics from your companions, but when you think or say it without the intent of arousing laughter, it becomes quite alarming. I like you somehow slipped into old timer speak, for real.

Here's the most recent example, and sadly I can only think of three, but I know there have been many more in the past. I was just at the Olive Garden for lunch (say what you will, but I like it) and I ordered the soup, salad and bread stick lunch. You get an unlimited supply of all those things. When it comes to the bread stick, I ask them to only bring me one, because I really don't like to eat too much bread, especially not low quality white bread. Because of my self imposed bread rations, if the bread stick is not up to par, I wont continue to eat it. Why waste carbs on a bread stick that resembles a doorstop in both taste and texture? But today's bread stick was a goody. As I took my first bite to find it hot, soft, fluffy and buttery, I thought to myself, "Now THAT'S a fucking bread stick." Could I come up with anything so dorky if I tried? I assure you I was not thinking it to be funny because I was alone and have had no-one to tell until now. I'm not in the habit of thinking up witty remarks to save for later. Anyway, that was gay. Can I say that? Am I offending anyone by using 'gay' to mean 'cheesy' or 'wanky'? I was running out of synonyms for 'wanky' and I didn't expect much luck typing it into the thesaurus. Someone please address this in a comment and/or give me some other suggestions.

The other two examples I have are the following. When I was in London, backstage at a show, we were given a bag of Kettle chips. But they were no ordinary chips, but a seasonal flavour of 'White Stilton and Apricot'. It's not as alarming as you might think, as the apricot was a mere hint at the end. After eating one chip, I remarked out loud "That's one classy chip." And one dipshit eating it.

You can't quite see, but under 'apricot,' it says "marbled beauty," whatever that means.

The only other one, actually occurs regularly, but I still mean it from my very core. If I am dying for some Coke (a-cola) and I finally get it and it's just as cold, fresh and carbonated as it can possibly be, and the first gulp burns my throat and esophagus giving me some sort of momentary high, I can be heard to remark, while beating my fist on my chest "Ahhhhh....that's the stuff."

If you have any more unintentional wanky interludes, please comment! Or comment if you just want to tell me I'm a tosser or out of touch with social faux pas for my misuse of the word 'gay'.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Slowly Growing Deaf...HUH?

I just read an article about the rise in hearing loss among youngsters coinciding with the rise of MP3 players. Rock concerts, of course are always a huge culprit, one to which I have subjected myself oh, so many times. I'm usually pretty mindful of future consequences of certain actions, but for some reason, I'm pretty juvenile when it comes to hearing.

I just fucking LOVE loud music!

Maybe I am a bit old, because there is a point where it becomes too loud, but I usually find this to be the case in small clubs with bands trying to mask their incompetence with extreme volume. They think they can show me they can rock my core by being loud, but I'm not stupid. I know that they stink, and I hate them even more for making my ears hurt. I really hate when certain sounds hit your ear drum like there's a bug in your ear that wont come out. *shudder* I get so angry when that happens!

But when it comes to a band that I love, geez...bring on the deafness. It's so idiotic and self defeating too. If I lose my hearing, I will no longer be able to listen to the music I love. But I just can't help myself. I need it to be loud enough that I can sing along and not be heard or hear myself. I think I tried wearing earplugs at a show I liked show once, but I couldn't keep them in for long because it didn't just reduce the sound, it altered it. It wasn't quieter, it was muffled like the music was just in my head. I hate that. It's like sinus blockage.

I have been to countless shows and seen so many opening acts where I should have worn earplugs because I didn't give a crap about what was on stage, and I still didn't wear them. I really need to make that a priority. I need to budget my hearing loss for more worthy assaults.

I went to a race track a couple on months ago and got to be a passenger in three race cars. They provided us with ear plugs, but again, I didn't wear them because I wanted the full volume of cars. So much awesome engine revving and tyre screeching!

I'm all about EXTREME HEARING!* I should wear a hearing aid to make things even louder!

But yeah, when I think about permanent hearing loss or tinnitus I do wonder if it is worth it. Watching my grandmother grappling with hearing loss in her last few years is nothing I want to have to deal with. It's obviously very isolating when people stop talking to you as much because you can't hear them. When I think about those delicate little hairs in my ear canal, hanging on for dear life while I abuse them to the point of dropping off forever, it does give some perspective. I'm very clingy to everything I own. Those are MY hearing hairs and I want them. As I sit in my workplace, hearing what I believe to be buzzing of lights, I gulp in terror that it's my own ears producing this sound. A taste of what's to come if I don't get my shit together.

As I had to repeat myself to a friend in a bar yesterday, she explained to me that she was a bit deaf from going to too many loud rock shows when she was younger. She says she now wears ear plugs to prevent further damage. I was delighted (not that she was deaf, but had input on this topic) as I had been writing this blog, and asked her if she regretted it. She said as the hearing loss wasn't too bad, so she didn't regret it. I'm glad to hear that!

Take your pick.

A musician friend of mine has specially made ear plugs that are moulded to the shape of her ear canals. Those things were pretty stylin' and do well to promote hearing protection.

That article said that not only the volume but the amount of time exposed to high volumes is critical in its impact, so I just need to be more discerning as to which bands deserve my hearing. If I go see your band and I'm wearing earplugs, I've probably decided that they're not very great. Sorry.

I wonder if Bono will come to the shop he named himself after to get his first hearing aid. Bonavox, Dublin.

*I don't know if that remark translates with the level of hilarity I intended, but I think 'eXtreme' this and that is really stupid.