If you missed the MTV Video Music Awards, you've surely at least heard all the fallout from Britney's performance. My friend Marika and I watched it, and boy, it was a million times better than I imagined. Better for my purposes anyway which was to see her crash and burn! I feared she would do a mediocre performance, but enough that the critics would say "Britney's back!". But alas, she was so fucking appalling that to say otherwise may be considered a felony.
You've heard it all already, bad lip syncing, too fat, and lacklustre and awkward dance moves. But what kills me about these assessments is no complaint that there was lip syncing in place in the first place, but rather that she did it poorly. As I've complained many times before, the standards of quality are so reduced that the lip syncing itself is apparently not the problem here. What troubled times we live in! As for her fatness, clearly she's not really fat, but people with her current physique tend not to go out in public in their underwear (even if it's covered in sequins), so if she's going to let the world see her for the garbage woman she is, then yeah, I think it's okay to ridicule her about her weight.
Marika and I went out right after her "performance", but made sure we got back in time to catch the repeat. I thought about it and gleefully texted with Gregg and Steph about it. I was sure the re-run would be disappointing after all I'd built it up to be for two hours, but instead it was better than I remembered. Marika shared my glee, but then felt compelled to apologise for wallowing in this public display of misery. I told her not to be sorry. This trash bag has been hugely successful for nine years and undeservedly so. She's been foisted upon us, had the audacity to call herself an artist, and we've had to put up with her trampling more talented and more deserving people. The only reason her life is a mess is because she's a shallow, spoiled bitch. She'd sooner party than care for her children, so fuck her and the record-company-manufactured horse she rode in on. I think it's perfectly fine to bask in this. For all I've suffered of her all these years, she's finally doing something I can enjoy! Oh, except Toxic. I do like that song, but obviously, it has nothing to do with her. It's that Bollywood soundtrack hook that makes it.
Yes, hide your face Britney. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. A nerd with two left feet who got himself shit-faced drunk to drown his sorrows after being anally raped by a pair donkeys could have done that song better than you.