Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Who is a douchebag's douchebag?

I'm sure there's little dispute that the individual pictured is what is widely considered to be a douchebag. Dissent on this opinion may only come from the individual himself and his like minded peers. Given the fact that this person is a douchebag, desperately latching onto whatever trendy new looks and terminology are flying around, there is little doubt that at some stage he would take it upon himself to refer to someone else as a douchebag. But what kind of person could a douchebag be calling a douchebag? We can only delight in the irony of him using a term that exemplifies himself on somebody else less deserving.

While the phrase may be tossed around carelessly by all of us, used to describe any guy who is irksome in a general sort of way, if six different guys were put in a line up, the one most closely resembling the gentleman pictured below would no doubt be selected as the individual most befitting the term "douchebag".

When searching for images of douchebags, this image came up many times. I wonder if this douchebag, after becoming the Google Image Search definition of "douchebag" amended his ways or embraced his title. A douchebag of this magnitude would find himself in a terrible conundrum, though I imagine ignorance being a key trait, he may remain unaware.

There is no question that the douchebag, ignorant of the fact that he is one, will be calling others douchebags. As I manage to steer clear of douchebag hangouts, my dream to one day hear a douchebag call someone not typically considered a douchebag, a douchebag, may never be realised. Below is an image of wrongful use of the word "douchebag". Someone may be dumb enough to dislike the President, but the term "douchebag" does not at all suit him. In an effort to express some superiority, a douchebag might call President Obama a douchebag, feel quite triumphant, not aware that he is only raising his own douchebag points by proudly displaying his ignorance to true douchebags, a trait which led him to douchebaggery in the first place.

This man is not a douchebag.

Merriam-Webster describes a douche as 1 a :  a jet or current of liquid (as a cleansing solution) directed against or into a bodily part or cavity (as the vagina) b : an act of cleansing with a douche. It is interesting that while men are usually eager to gain passage to the vagina, and most unscrupulously of all the aforementioned douchebag, that an item whose sole purpose is to gain said passage is regarded so poorly. Is it that the bag resembles a limp penis? The antithesis of what is supposed to occur upon conquest? If so, so too is the douchebag the epitome of what a man is supposed to be.  

I honestly found and saved this picture and then discovered it was Luke Goss from Bros. I fancied this douchebag's twin brother Matt when I was 10 years old. The Ed Hardy shirt and like prints are important for douchebag style.

The designer shirt with a screen printed logo is a must for any douchebag's closet. Most likely the douchebag feels that this expresses the "class" he requires to enter the nightclub of his choosing, while the printed graphic is a hint to his casual side and his depth. The graphic appears meaningful at a glance to anyone shallow, however on closer inspection, it means absolutely nothing. The image should be enough to placate the kind of girl who goes for douchebags.

The neck of a t-shirt is an important douchebag indicator.

Below are douchebags at play, living in the illusion that they have conquered something. Physique is very important to the douchebag, though he doesn't realise the more he shows off his hard work of iron pumping, his douchebag score soars.

The douchebag singer from Third Eye Blind. Photo by Heather Leah Kennedy

While douchebags are clearly described by all these examples, the Third Eye Blind kind has a sporting chance to be fingered in our douchebag line-up. While fashion and chest exposure play an important role, the misguided belief of self importance is what I believe truly defines a douchebag. 

With that final piece to the puzzle, we may be able to figure out who a douchebag considers a douchebag. Given that the classic douchebag is clearly over compensating for his lack of intelligence and personality, it would stand to reason that he would then feel threatened by most anyone. As just about anyone may appear, in his pea brain, to exude undeserved confidence, the true douchebag would feel completely justified in calling anyone a douchebag, blissfully unaware of the irony. 

May this investigation not impede your use of the word. Feel free to describe the jerkoff you spoke to in customer service as a douchebag, or the guy that cut you off in traffic. Should you catch up to him and find his head crowned in spiky hair and wearing studded sunglasses, that can only serve as a minor victory.

Douchebag at work (video supplied by Big Tasty)

Some interesting facts about this blog!
  • All images were found by including the search term "douchebag"! (except the Third Eye Blind image which Heather gave to me. It was already marked as shown)
  • The word "douchebag" appears 57 times including this sentence.
  • The only spelling error that came up in spell check was "douchebag".
  • Now "douchebag" has appeared 59 times, including THIS sentence.