Saturday, July 18, 2009

Hot dog!

In recent months I've taken to exclaiming "Hot dog!" in lieu of "Well I'll be damned!", "How about that?!" or "Wow! That's awesome!" Saying "Hot dog!" is old timey, good natured and also hilarious and is just the perfect kind of statement for me to make. Having said that, the jovial nature of saying "Well, hot dog!" is far removed from the anus ridden reality of the edible version of hot dogs.
My plate after I've eaten two veggie hot dogs. No point eating all those worthless white bread bun calories. If this same pile of bread were on the ground and even worse, wet, I would retch.
I'll start up by reminding or informing you that I am a vegetarian. This is not my motivation for discussion of hot dogs, however. I am not ranting against cruelty, but simply against grossness. While I don't expect I will eat meat ever again, I can't deny that the smell of a barbecue makes my mouth water and the smell of KFC continues to make my heart swell, even knowing full well that the taste of Kentucky never lived up to the olfactory tease. The desire to ever eat a real, low grade hot dog again is a feeling that will never overcome me, I can guarantee you that.

Hot dog enthusiasts (or maybe just morons)
Many of us in our youth pay no attention to what we are eating. We may be grossed out by tongue and other weird delicacies, but somehow, hot dogs fall under the radar, almost being as acceptable as any other decent cut of meat. Unless your hot dog is boasting that it is all beef or turkey, it is more than likely that you are eating something that's barely a step up from pet food. Hot dogs are commonly comprised of mechanically recovered meat or meat slurry. Click to learn, but the names are enough to tell you that's a pretty gross idea.

Heavily processed, but at least they aren't full of unmentionables. They taste the same as far as I can remember as the seasoning does it. If you really can't take it, perhaps you just have a taste for anus.
Now don't get me wrong, my palette is not so high brow that I can't enjoy the taste of a hot dog and I'll eat a veggie dog in a heartbeat. I was not always so thoughtful about what my food was made of, proven by the fact that many years ago, perhaps in a moment of weakness, I consumed a hot dog that had been rolling for God-knows-how-long at a 7-11. The purchase was made after midnight so that dog could have been rolling for a good 18 hours. I was often depressed in those days so perhaps my accompanying friend would have been wise to put me on suicide watch following this hot dog consumption, for not only was I feasting on anus and snout, but not even fresh anus and snout. I guess since he had just gotten off work at McDonald's his quality food radar was somewhat impaired. I believe it was a year or so before I gave up eating meat that I concluded that hot dogs, frankfurters and wieners (*snicker*) were off the menu. I've long argued that any higher quality hot dogs would be wise to add to their packaging "100% anus free". Why in that case, yes please!

My friend Omri told me a fabulous tale this past week and it was in fact this tale that inspired this blog post. He and his friend ate some hummus and labane, a sour cheese. I believe almost instantly, it didn't agree with him and he began to feel queasy. While he would have liked to have rested off his discomfort and perhaps remained within close proximity to a bathroom, Omri had some obligations, one of which was to drive a friend to the airport which was 40 minutes from his home in Jerusalem. By the time Omri arrived to pick up his friend, his nausea had intensified. Chills and sweats were starting to set in, so he asked that his friend continue driving from there.

No, no, NO!

Soon into the journey, they stopped for gas and Omri took this opportunity to buy a Coke in the hopes that it would ease what he described as his "troubled stomach". Whatever magic the Coke may have been able to conjure was impeded by the smell of hot dogs as Omri entered gas station snack shop. Already with an existing aversion to hot dogs, these hot dogs smelled particularly bad and it would seem the snack shop variety are undoubtedly the lowest in the hierarchy of hot, convenient meat meals. Omri noted the stench was particular to 7-11 type stores. He made it to the counter and completed his cola purchase. As he proceeded to the door, he overheard the next patron enquire to the cashier, "What do you have to eat?" Perhaps had he been one step faster, he may have survived, but as it happens, he caught the cashier's answer of "Hot dogs" which sadly acted as the trigger for a most insane fountain of vomit to explode from poor Omri. It would seem the smell was one thing, but having it placed firmly in the context of being food was enough to push Omri over the edge. As they left the gas station with puddles of vomit in his wake, Omri's friend described it as though all the barriers inside of him had broken. Omri's friend drove with his head out the window for the rest of the journey. All because of the mere mention of a hot dog, more or less.
Kobayashi, the former hot dog eating champion. He's been beaten by some backwards pig-person, no doubt, so I'm not interested in acknowledging them.
I wish I remembered more of the details on this conversation because I have told in a number of times. I was at a show somewhere in this country and I got to talking to a guy about hot dogs. I explained that I found hot dogs gross, but not so much that I couldn't eat veggie dogs, something I enjoy very much. He explained to me that while he was an avid meat eater, he had to draw the line at hot dogs. He told of a night out where he met a fine and charming specimen who seemed to return his interest. As the night in the bar was concluding, the girl suggested "Wanna go out for a hot dog?" The guy was suddenly repulsed by the idea that girl would consume something so vile, and subsequently, his interest in her waned and the evening was over. I daresay if he really thought about it, he wouldn't have minded if she was willing to put a wiener in her mouth.

Perhaps in writing this yesterday, I willed bad vibes towards hot dogs. Full story here.
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