Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Escaping to the tropical paradise in my armpit

Tikis, tropical drinks, tropical islands, hula dancers, that's my bag. My earliest recollection of being enamoured with such things might have been the line "Tropical drink melting in your hand" from Kokomo by the Beach Boys. Who could argue against such deliciousness? I love all that stuff as you may well gather from knowing me. My mother nearly put me off the whole thing with her insistence of listening to this insipid "Hawaiian" album, which was a bunch of island classics set to miserable synthesized instrumentation. A complete and utter travesty to the the genre, but I guess my mother is not so wised up to the real instruments verses synth and so she she merrily basked in her pseudo island glory while my sister and I screamed in the back seat, praying for a fatal car accident to make it stop. Luckily as I broke free from that, I found I actually do love exotic music when done right. Martin Denny is King! Our family trip to Hawaii when I was 13 absolutely sealed the deal. From then on, I knew I wanted to retire in a tropical paradise.


Recently, I realised I needed a new deodorant as my spray can one was starting to make my nose tickle. Is this a consequence of getting on? I've never been particularly sensitive to smells or foods, so why now? It's a little alarming, but I went in search of a roll-on to avoid this latest irritation.

As I perused the deodorant section of Target, I was confronted with the usual floral and rain scents. "Whatever," I thought. As long as it doesn't leave white marks on my clothes.

And then, it caught my eye. It seems the deodorant world has taken great strides since I last took the time for a good long peruse. I came across Suave, Tropical Paradise scent. I am often skeptical of these smells as they are never what they claim to be, especially from what I understood to be a low grade brand like Suave. But alas, I was pleasantly surprised. This little stick holds all my olfactory organs require to send me off to paradise. I must admit, the fact that it was only .94 cents was a little alarming (on sale from $1.49) but what can I say? I smell like my tropical dreams all day long.

A little piece of this... this...

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Glory holes

Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget -- we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.

The fact that Homer Simpson ever said the above quote has both baffled and delighted Gregg and I for a number of years. I had forgotten everything surrounding the quote and from which episode it had come from, just that he was praising the invention of the glory hole. Now that I fished out that quote, I see it is from the Halloween episode where the dolphins take over, an episode which had few redeeming qualities. But since that quote lives on, it certainly makes it worth something.

But WHY is Homer at all enamoured with the glory hole? Is he just happy to know that such a thing exists? I know there are alternate meanings for glory hole, but I think for that gag to work, he has to mean a blow job/fuck hole.

The idea of using such a thing simply baffles me. I mean, I'm afraid to close my eyes and open my mouth when Gregg is going to surprise me with some food. This is someone I love and trust, trust not to put wet bread or anything pickled onto my tongue, yet I still flinch at the approach of the mystery food item. The last time he did it, it was my all time favourite candy! So if I have this much fear from a loved one over food, I can't imagine sinking a precious organ into a hole for god knows who to do god knows what with.

A stylised glory hole, and one that seems to have been cut in an emergency.

So I say kudos to the man who, for the time being, has the balls to offer his penis up to the unknown.

To learn more about glory holes, click here.