Toilet Technology

I've been an avid toilet user for the greater part of my life. While many things around me have made great technological advancements over my lifetime, I think the toilet and plumbing have taken a step back.

I'm quite sure when I was growing up, after a toilet was flushed all the water that rushed about would manage to contain itself within the confines of the bowl. I'd say for around 10 years or so this has changed as the water now seems to find it's way onto the seat very often, which induces confusion, fear and requires a wipe down before use. Obviously, I place paper on a public seat, but I'm not about to sit on wet paper, and so a wipe down is still necessary. Luckily, the toilet in my own home is well behaved, though it may just be a result of the archaic plumbing in our building.

I've asked myself if perhaps as a child I was unconcerned with a wet seat, willing to plonk myself anywhere without a care in the world. But alas, this is not the case. My mother ingrained her neurosis in me well. Too well in fact as I came to fear toilets so much that my avoidance of them occasionally led to some pant and bed wetting. I recently posed this idea to my mother, that my neurosis was derived from her, and unlike most unfortunate incidents which parents conveniently forget, she seemed willing to admit this one.

So by looking at my long held fear of toilet germs, I believe there is no way I accepted wet seats as a child, and so it would then stand to reason that the frequent splashing onto the seat is a new occurrence. It may also be argued that as an adult, my scope of toilets has greatly increased, thus exposing me to a variety of bowl and plumbing combinations. But I must return to the toilet at my parents house. I have known it it's whole life and was lucky enough to be the first one to use it (my sister still complains about this to this day) and I can assure you, it splashes excessively now which it did not use to do at all.

I'm dismayed that this frequent unpleasantness has, to date, not only not skirted discussion (to my knowledge,) but also has not been addressed by the plumbing industry. There is nothing worse than going into a poorly lit stall, identifying the presence of liquid and asking oneself "Water or pee?"

Won't someone please think of the children? They deserve to know a time when all seats were completely dry, just as we had the luxury of doing many moons ago.

A mispronunciation I'll never live down

It's rare to remember exactly when you learned a word, but in the case of 'ethnicity', I know it was in 1995 during Year 12 Australia Studies. I hated that class. I only took it because I needed to take one more subject and I thought it would be easy. Perhaps it might have been if I ever paid attention. I can think of only three instances in which I was aware of what was going on. One time was when we watched an ancient documentary which included archival platypus footage (which led to my great appreciation of the platypus), and another was when we watched a ridiculous video entitled "Barbecuearea" showing a role reversal where white people were happily going about their business grilling sausages in a place called "Barbecuearea" when Aborigines arrive and kick them out. I couldn't stop laughing at the frequent use of the word "Barbecuearea". It sounded like "Barbekeweria". A ripping good time!

Aborigines (upon landing and seeing the white people): What do you call this place?
White people: Barbecue Area?
Aborigines: Barbecuearea!

The final thing I remember is only to do with my humiliation. The teacher asked me to read and I was mortified. I've always been good at reading aloud, but I was taken aback because I had no idea what we were supposed to be learning about. Kristen and I spent the entire time writing letters back and forth. So on this day I proceeded to read and I was doing just fine until I hit "ethnicity" which I'd never seen, couldn't figure out and didn't know what it meant in context since I paid no attention. But I had to plug away and out spilled "ethnic city". The teacher interjected "Ethnicity." I think I tried to repeat after her, but still fucked it up. Kristen started to laugh. As soon as we were sent back to work, Kristen exploded with glee at the concept of an "ethnic city" which was just full of ethnic people, kept aside from everyone else. She kept asking me more about it like I was the expert. She was just dying and while I could see the funny side, I was well over it before she was. In fact, I believe she still isn't over it. I think the final icing on the cake was when I was, I think, again being called on by the teacher when Kristen raised her hand in my direction, revealing this in her palm:

(recreation)