Stuff I wish I'd learned when I had the chance

I've been writing this detailed account of an incident which happened on the plane at the beginning of our trip, but when I write things in stages, they get way too long so the story is now approaching novel length. As a result, I'm moving on and going to spit something out in one blow and get a move on. That other story is like a clog in a fucking drain!

I been very ponderous in the last few weeks about the number of opportunities I've had to learn stuff which I didn't take advantage of. Is there any way they could make school such that kids would be more willing to take advantage of these opportunities? Or perhaps I was just born lazy.

I've always been interested in curious about things, so I struggle to understand why I was so lame in school and didn't learn certain things when I could have. It's so frustrating.

Just a week after I turn 29, I will be commencing a 5 week sewing course. I fear for the first class which will likely go over all the basics about machine operation and threading a bobbin. Shit I already know how to do! We covered all that in high school, but at the end of it, that was pretty much all I could do. Wind and thread the bobbin. Every time I tried to sew anything, it jammed down into the machine and I spent the remainder of the class digging it out with a sharp implement. Aside from the fact that the school sewing machines were probably lousy and their poor function did nothing to encourage my advancement in sewing, I know I went in with an attitude. I didn't need to know how to SEW. Who needs to know that? Ugh. I wonder how much better at it I could be today if I had paid attention. I somehow got through the class and made a tie dyed apron with the 90210 logo painted on the front. I wish I knew where that thing was! I started the class making a skirt, but all my fabric ended up chewed, so I had to make the default item with the school provided materials.

A purse I made with my limited sewing skills. I could be a more advanced sewer by now, had I paid attention!

The year after that, we were given the chance to learn photography. Shouldn't that have seemed a little cooler than sewing which is for homemakers and losers? No, still not interested. Admittedly, Mr C was one those teachers you simply couldn't learn from because 80% of class time was spent stirring him and asking him about his bung knee. He had been hit by a bus, so when he walked, the shin of one leg flew forward a few degrees past his knee. One day, he was fed up with the questions and said "Okay! You want to see it? If you don't want to see it, look away." He rolled up his trouser leg and showed us. It looked a little messed up, but not too bad. He then continually banged on it with his hand, "See...it's a good strong knee. See...OWWWWW!" He hit it too hard. God that was funny. Anyway, he was just one of those teachers that couldn't hold our attention because we all had an attitude about him. Good natured, but he certainly couldn't control us. All his useful information about aperture, ISO and lenses was wasted on me. I simply paid no attention unless he was over my shoulder making me do something. I know I could look up the meaning of aperture now, but for the purpose of illustrating my ignorance in this blog, I will do it afterwards (I promise.)

I remember he showed us some photos he had taken and one was a picture he had taken down at the beach. He had a TV with the insides ripped out of it placed on some rocks and his daughter was climbing through the TV. It was a black and white photo to which he had added his own colour with chinagraph pencils. It was a really cool picture, but I remember me, along with other kids scoffing at it like it was stupid. "Why would you take a TV to the beach?" and other such brain dead remarks. I've recently become more interested in photography, but I know nothing. I could have known something had I not been such a dick.

God, why are teenagers so fucking awful?

An attempt at artsy photography following advice from master photographer, Heather.

It wasn't until I was thinking about this that I realised what a disservice I had done to myself with my stupid attitude. I don't even think I was as bad as some, but I was still a teenager, so what hope did I have? Some hope, because not all kids pissed their time away like that either. Now, 11 years after finishing high school, do I realise the opportunities I gave up. I'm not saying any of those half year classes would have made proficient in anything, but I could have had a good step up into these things I now wish I could do, and further more, I may have started doing them seriously sooner. As I fumble with the settings on my digital camera, hoping I'm using the right one, I wish I had paid attention.

I wont even go into the Italian and French I ignored saying "When am I going to use that?" I wish I could have told my younger self that I was going to be in Italy in 2001 and 2006 and a French speaking country on my honeymoon. Oh, for shame!

Is there anything I can do to stop my kids from being so closed to new things and shake that shitty attitude? I really turns me off the whole idea of having kids. I hate teenagers! are my parents to blame? At the very least, I should understand them better when they show apathy, given my history and perhaps rely on there being hope for their 20s.

To see my feeble attempts at knitting and sewing today, click here.

People who can't or won't laugh

When conversing with someone, there's an unspoken give and take. If they tell you some bad news, you express sorrow. If they give you some good news, you express happiness for them. If they make a light-hearted remark, you laugh or smile as a sign that you follow their upbeat swing in the conversation. But there is a small number of people in this world who are simply incapable of expressing these emotions, most notably, the friendly, good natured laugh.

If someone says something silly or wacky, for me, it is not a conscious decision, but as a member of the conversation, I react accordingly and laugh. Even if I don't find what was said particularly funny, it's a natural reaction to accept the attempt at humour with good grace and make the person feel secure. Again, this is not a lie, but rather an innate function which allows us to successfully converse with others. But some people just can't do this. I am yet to determine if they have no sense of humour or are simply severely lacking in social skills.

A recent example occurred when I was talking to another another Australian about the Vegemite scare (that it is no longer available commercially in the US...EEEEK!) and an American girl overheard and asked what Vegemite was. I gave her a brief explanation if it's consistency, saltiness and accompanied it with a distorted "blechhh" face that Americans usually make when they eat it. My comical exaggeration of a Vegemite experience was met with a blank stare. I'm not saying it was a definitive moment in improv comedy, but any normal person would let off a small chuckle at the sight of someone being wacky. But no, she looked at me earnestly as though I were delivering a review or her investment portfolio. I was in such dismay that she was unable to rise to a light-hearted conversation that I was so bold as to MAKE THE FACE AGAIN (now I feel like George Costanza going back to the movie theatre to say "That's gotta hoit!" again) while summarising the effects of Vegemite, and again was met with a blank face.

A recreation of the face made to demonstrate many Americans' response to Vegemite.

I shared this and other examples of this "no laughing" phenomenon with others and one person knew what I was talking about and said they thought this sort of thing was plain rude. Do you, dear reader, agree? The one that kills me is that I know someone like this, but they oddly declare themselves on all internet profiles to be fun, crazy and wacky, however I am yet to see evidence of this. The same sort of blank responses. I'm not saying everything out of my mouth is frothing with hilarity, but I'm generally considered to be a good laugh, so I am not taking the blame for the social shortcomings of others.

There was one girl I was hanging out with a bit when I first moved to LA. I met up with her a couple of times, but they were like bad dates. She just didn't laugh during conversation! I did see her a few times at some bars a while after I realised I didn't really enjoy her company and hadn't pursued the friendship, mostly because she never laughed. I caught her laughing once or twice at something she was seeing or hearing, but nothing that was said TO her, and she seemed completely insane. It was like she was laughing right after someone had told here their cat died. She had a look in her eyes as if to say "It's wrong to be laughing, but I can't help it!" Did she have a "no laughing" policy that she was betraying? When I was 14, I saw some ugly pictures of myself laughing and I was devastated since I figured that as I laughed most of the time, I must look ugly most of the time. I briefly decided I shouldn't laugh as much because I looked so ugly, but I couldn't stop it! I love to laugh no matter how it looks. The point is, does someone like this girl have some sort of reason not to laugh so that when she does, she has a guilty, maniacal look in her eyes?

I think not laughing or so much as emitting a single burst "Ha." or a smile in response to an attempt at humour, is just as rude as grinning when someone says they just lost their job, or scowling when someone says they found $50 on the street. There are automatic responses throughout conversation, and those who can't comply need to remove themselves from society!

...okay that was a little harsh, but it was a dramatic conclusion. (pause....waiting for laugh)

Keith from the 'The Office' is a perfect example of someone, even while dressed up as Ali G and demonstrating a sense of humour, is incapable of laughter.