Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Wanky shit I thought or said

Are you familiar with this phenomenon where you are genuinely ensconced in something, and have a thought, or make a remark that's completely and utterly wanky? It's something you'd say on purpose to invoke hysterics from your companions, but when you think or say it without the intent of arousing laughter, it becomes quite alarming. I like you somehow slipped into old timer speak, for real.

Here's the most recent example, and sadly I can only think of three, but I know there have been many more in the past. I was just at the Olive Garden for lunch (say what you will, but I like it) and I ordered the soup, salad and bread stick lunch. You get an unlimited supply of all those things. When it comes to the bread stick, I ask them to only bring me one, because I really don't like to eat too much bread, especially not low quality white bread. Because of my self imposed bread rations, if the bread stick is not up to par, I wont continue to eat it. Why waste carbs on a bread stick that resembles a doorstop in both taste and texture? But today's bread stick was a goody. As I took my first bite to find it hot, soft, fluffy and buttery, I thought to myself, "Now THAT'S a fucking bread stick." Could I come up with anything so dorky if I tried? I assure you I was not thinking it to be funny because I was alone and have had no-one to tell until now. I'm not in the habit of thinking up witty remarks to save for later. Anyway, that was gay. Can I say that? Am I offending anyone by using 'gay' to mean 'cheesy' or 'wanky'? I was running out of synonyms for 'wanky' and I didn't expect much luck typing it into the thesaurus. Someone please address this in a comment and/or give me some other suggestions.

The other two examples I have are the following. When I was in London, backstage at a show, we were given a bag of Kettle chips. But they were no ordinary chips, but a seasonal flavour of 'White Stilton and Apricot'. It's not as alarming as you might think, as the apricot was a mere hint at the end. After eating one chip, I remarked out loud "That's one classy chip." And one dipshit eating it.

You can't quite see, but under 'apricot,' it says "marbled beauty," whatever that means.

The only other one, actually occurs regularly, but I still mean it from my very core. If I am dying for some Coke (a-cola) and I finally get it and it's just as cold, fresh and carbonated as it can possibly be, and the first gulp burns my throat and esophagus giving me some sort of momentary high, I can be heard to remark, while beating my fist on my chest "Ahhhhh....that's the stuff."

If you have any more unintentional wanky interludes, please comment! Or comment if you just want to tell me I'm a tosser or out of touch with social faux pas for my misuse of the word 'gay'.
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