Thursday, September 01, 2005

Narcissism or loathing?

I find myself sitting down to write my first blog, but by no means my first rant, and wondering if I apply to my chosen subject. I want to just go off tap about some grotesquely narcissistic people I had the misfortune to encountner a couple of weeks back, but then I find myself in this quandary of feeling so self absorbed myself that I dare even think my opinions are worth penning.

Am I worried that this proves I am just as enamoured with my own opinion that I am no better than the people I intended to write about? What am I worried about? I can't tell if it's finding this out about myself, or rather just fear that it will appear this way to other people.

Let's see if I can figure out where I stand. First, I'll ask myself why I want to write this. A few reasons, I guess. I think one of the main reasons is that I just want to get a lot of things off my chest. I am just so fucking riddled with opinions about so many things ranging from the globally important to painfully trivial. I think I see this as a way to unload.

Having said that though, lets look at WHY I want to unload. I think so much about this and that and how fucked up so many aspects of life are that I feel like by bitching and moaning and drawing attention to things, I can make a change. Of course, I don't have much of a platform for this other that berating the ears of my poor friends and family. Am I struggling to be taken seriously? Do I think by putting my thoughts in an official format that heed will be taken? I don't know what I expect. I don't even know if anyone will read this or if I will ever even show anyone. I wont kid myself. I am writing with the intent to share which is why I foist the "Are YOU, Simone, a fucking narcissist?" question upon myself. Well, I am going to give myself 10 points for at least worrying about it, though I don't think that in and of itself can get someone off the hook.

Okay, so here's the question. I've got it. Am I worried about BEING a narcissist? Or am I simply worried about been SEEN as a narcissist. Two very different things! While I ponder that, I will say that if i plan to continue this at home, I simply MUST HAVE a new keyboard. These little golden nuggets of wisdom will, without question, get lost amongst the sticking keys at home.

I think I am worried about being one. Why? I don't really care if people think this or that about me. If I did, I wouldn't say half the things I say. When we grow up, we are taught you have to love yourself for anyone else to be able to. In most cases these days, I think that is taken to extreme where people love themselves so much and above and beyond any love they have for other people. I think my fear of being narcissistic stems, not actually from self-love, but rather low self esteem. I seem to lack the confidence to put in writing what I think. I seem to be asking how DARE I think my opinion is worth putting out there for others to read. I don't think that is self-love. Shit, it's almost self HATE. I wasn't expecting to come out with that answer!

So there appears another purpose for this blog. Self discovery! It sounds cheesy, but I think it's true.

I really want to over come my fear of writing. Maybe the more I blab on this thing, the easier it will be for me to come out of my shell. In any case, I think there is room for me to start liking myself a little more.
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