"Dear Jelly Belly Candy Company (Bertie Bott's Division),
We immensely enjoyed your 10 flavors of beans, however the fun ended far too soon. Once the bean party was over, we sat around devising new bean flavors.
We would like to take this opportunity to submit to you our list of what we hope to be future bean flavours.
Blood Dust Clove Sweat Body odor Homeless Person Just Farts Feet Bad breath Spoiled meat Garbage Off cheese Mould Infected wound pus Salt Seaweed Liposuction fat Cilantro Burnt hair Burnt fingernails Onions Chili Stale bread Off milk Bacon Marijuana Ash tray Natural Gas Gasoline Vicks' Vaporub Exhaust Deodorant Vinegar Perfume Ass Decomposing body Roadkill Tree bark Leaves Fertilizer Dirty undies Period Toilet Duck Phlegm Cheap tequila Leather Plastic Sea water Chlorine Poo/Dog poo Urine/Asparagus pee Dick cheese Ink Tobacco Cough medicine Dog food Refried beans Toothpaste Canker sore Fingernail dirt Paste Maggots Crayon Dissolving tablet Airplane food
We understand that some these may not be feasible, but we expect the majority of the list will be of great use to you. Aside from our many suggestions, we would also like to request the return of the popular sardine flavor!
Thanks for taking the time to consider our suggestions.
Kind regards,
Agatha, age 29
Simone, age 29
Donna, age 30"
Dumbledore, hoping for a caramel, downs an earwax bean instead.
My mind has been a bit scattered lately, so I'm going to slip into one of those random type blogs. It's not usually my style, but it's a nice reminder to me to chill the fuck out.
Today started off really badly, though I came out with the best excuse for being late to work ever. "There was a spider in my car," I said when I called in to say I was on my way. Can you imagine my horror when I opened my car door this morning to find, not just a spider hanging out somewhere, but rather sitting smack in the middle of a freshly manufactured web that spanned the entire breadth of my door? I went in a complete panic. It was like coming home and finding a stranger in your house in a tent in the middle of your living room. Very alarming! It was too much to deal with on my own, so I went back inside, woke up Gregg and asked him deal with it. After making him do a thorough check that it hadn't left behind any friends or family, I was on my way and made my prize winning late call. I wish I had taken a picture of it, but I was far too distraught at the time. Who the fuck did that spider think he was?
A few months ago, someone asked me to come up with a word for when you are drinking something from a cup with ice and you tilt the cup back, trying to get the last bit of liquid to pour down into your mouth and then ice collapses onto your face. To a point, the ice stays mounted together at the base of the cup, but at some point, you go too far and the ice cascades, causing discomfort, numbness and embarrassment with ones own self. I came up with "aqualanche". I believe the person who commissioned the word threw in one half of it (though I forget if it was 'aqua' or 'avalanche'), but I came up with the final result of "aqualanche". I emailed it to him and then he never wrote back! Awed by genius, perhaps? Anyway, another one for fans of my words to add to "tosswad" and "oneion".
Example of an aqualanche*
Official dictionary definition:
aqualanche (noun) - The collapsing of ice into ones face as one tilts a cup too far in an effort to retrieve the last drops of a beverage nestled beneath a large quantity of ice.
Moving on, I really hate fart jokes. I don't think they are funny and I usually cringe when someone starts to tell me some kind of personal story involving gas. Thanks, but no thanks. But my classiness has been challenged since I was sent the video below. I feel justified in my enjoyment though, as this clip clearly transcends simple low brow humour by showing clever editing and impeccable comic timing. Perhaps I am just trying to make excuses for my fall from grace, but whatever the case, this video fucking rules.
As a wannabe stickler for good grammar and "punctuation", I stumbled upon this "blog" yesterday and I think it will make your "life" a whole lot better as it has "mine".
"Click" me
...and heavens to Pete, I haven't even begun to look at the other punctuation disasters that link from that blog, such as Apostrophe Abuse! I need a place to submit the photo below which seriously lacks an apostrophe. Well, there are many problems.
*an aqualanche can be avoided with the use of a straw.
