Wednesday, February 10, 2010

An open letter to the members of "rock" band Nickelback

Dear Nickelback,

I wish I could say I was the brains behind it, but nay, I am just a mere supporter of the Facebook group "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback(sic)?", which you have no doubt heard of by now unless your people have managed to cover your ears and eyes at every opportunity the news had of reaching you.

As the group has just passed 575,000 fans, all within about 5 days, meanwhile your own fan page has only increased by 1,300 or so, it is safe to say that before long, this pickle will in fact have more fans than yourselves.

You may be inclined to conclude that pitting the pickle against your badass selves is simply not a fair contest. You'd think you only have the chance to appeal to people with leanings toward rock music, whereas the pickle has the chance to cross musical and cultural boundaries as taste buds know no colour, religion or music, so naturally it would have en edge. On the surface, this may seem to be the case, but I don't believe so. While pickles have the chance to be appreciated by many, your appeal is not to rock music fans, but average people with poor taste and little understanding of music, hence your success. Your reach is as wide as that of the pickle. I conclude the contest to be fair.

Having said that, I want to make it clear that the motivation of the group is not the love of pickles. I must confess, I personally dislike pickles and the one pictured on the page is no exception. The thing is, I dislike your band much, much more, so when faced with a choice, I had to go with the pickle.

So why are those of us who dislike pickles willing to throw our support behind one and stand together as one? Honestly, Nickelback, to me, you aren't much different than a pickle. I could be merrily going about my day walking through a mall/eating a sandwich when your music/a pickle is foisted upon me and ruins my day/meal. In the case of the pickle, I am able to remove it from my meal and continue. You on the other hand, I am forced to listen to until the song ends. This is several minutes of torment versus a few seconds and both of you leave a lingering taste behind that is both unsavoury and hard to be rid of.

As you can see, I feel similarly about both you and the pickle. The thing is, you are human beings with consciousness, thought and the ability to make decisions. The pickle is not capable of any of those things. It's not even the pickle's fault that it ended up in my meal. That was some other person's fault, and if I ever find out who did that I'm going to start a Facebook group and... I digress. The aural assaults which you commit on us, now 575,000+ strong people, was done consciously by you. If you are personally fans of rock music yourselves, then I have to ask why you have done what you have done and called it rock music. Either you are evil, corrupt people who care nothing about music, or simply people in need of medical attention as, like with tone deafness, clearly you are unable to duplicate any semblance of the rock music you once heard and liked. It is your horrific deviation from what rock music is supposed to be (not lame) that has so many people upset about your existence and your belief and claim that you are a rock band. I will give you some credit, though. You have ignited fury in millions of people, a task usually only met by corrupt world leaders and for this, I applaud you.

This pickle fan page is far from a joke, but a window of opportunity. I propose that if the numbers of this group surpass the numbers in your own fan group, the next step is clear: You, Nickelback, need to stop making music. Obviously with any band, more people don't like a band than do like them, but in not liking, it just means indifference, rather than dislike. In your case, you are actively disliked, nay, HATED by millions who have not yet found the group so I think it stands to reason that for the good of the majority and in an effort to reduce noise pollution, you should stop making music. You have made your millions by robbing the ignorant and tasteless, so now take your money and run. Sure, you have 1,393,737 fans on Facebook as of this writing and they will no doubt be disappointed. But by quitting music, you will be doing them a favour too! Freeing them from corporate wuss rock and giving them a chance to find some real rock bands that actually do what the genre suggests, which is to rock.

I look forward to you going ahead with this proposal.

Kind regards,
Simone Turkington

***As of February 18th, 2010 at 4:52pm PST, the pickle has 1,396,353 to Nickelback's 1,412,515***
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